I feel like I have fallen into a very deep pool of God’s love and I am drowning. Like a drowning person, I am struggling against it with everything in me because it is alien to me as I have never let God love me unconditionally before and I am afraid. I feel like whatever I do, whether it is right or wrong, if I sin or if I’m good, God will continue to wash these waves of His love over me and I can’t escape. Because His love is not conditional on my behaviour. Part of me wants to run away and escape because I feel so dirty and unclean but He won’t let me because it is His desire to love me, and His desire to make me clean and to show me that His love washes me clean, not my actions or my behaviour. I can’t cleanse myself. God is telling me that I have to stop struggling against His love and just sink into it, because only when I am immersed fully in His love will I be able to live, even though I will have to die to my fear and wrong beliefs to get there. Sometimes, like now, I am so overwhelmed by this that I just sit and cry. Not because I am sad but because I am amazed. It is so unfair - this is not justice, it is mercy and I am finding it so hard to accept. God is removing the walls around my heart brick by brick, just like He promised He would and the process feels so painful but so sweet at the same time as each brick that is removed causes another wave to wash over me and show me yet again that He loves me. I am slowly being undone by God and led into a relationship with Him that I have been asking for for so long, I want to be intimate with God, to have Him be everything to me, to long for Him above all other things and He is creating that heart in me, not through my pain and sacrifice as I had prepared myself for but just by loving me and as I receive that love, I can do nothing but love Him back and as I receive His love more, my love grows more.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 16th, 2008 at 8:38 am and is filed under Fire-School. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

I feel like I have fallen into a very deep pool of God’s love and I am drowning. Like a drowning person, I am struggling against it with everything in me because it is alien to me as I have never let God love me unconditionally before and I am afraid. I feel like whatever I do, whether it is right or wrong, if I sin or if I’m good, God will continue to wash these waves of His love over me and I can’t escape. Because His love is not conditional on my behaviour. Part of me wants to run away and escape because I feel so dirty and unclean but He won’t let me because it is His desire to love me, and His desire to make me clean and to show me that His love washes me clean, not my actions or my behaviour. I can’t cleanse myself. God is telling me that I have to stop struggling against His love and just sink into it, because only when I am immersed fully in His love will I be able to live, even though I will have to die to my fear and wrong beliefs to get there. Sometimes, like now, I am so overwhelmed by this that I just sit and cry. Not because I am sad but because I am amazed. It is so unfair - this is not justice, it is mercy and I am finding it so hard to accept. God is removing the walls around my heart brick by brick, just like He promised He would and the process feels so painful but so sweet at the same time as each brick that is removed causes another wave to wash over me and show me yet again that He loves me. I am slowly being undone by God and led into a relationship with Him that I have been asking for for so long, I want to be intimate with God, to have Him be everything to me, to long for Him above all other things and He is creating that heart in me, not through my pain and sacrifice as I had prepared myself for but just by loving me and as I receive that love, I can do nothing but love Him back and as I receive His love more, my love grows more.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 16th, 2008 at 8:38 am and is filed under Fire-School. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.