I am having a generally weird time. not bad, just weird.
I am going through a process of learning that God loves me as a father which is actually incredibly hard for me to accept. He seems to be taking me through a period of not wanting to “do” anything. He seems to be teaching me to just “be” and love myself just because of who I am as opposed to what I am. That is very hard for me. I am very performance orientated and have the (wrong) belief that I need to perform to make God love me and to show that I’m not a bad person and worthy of His love. He is basically destroying that which is great but incredibly painful and a bit scary as that belief is what I hold on to and so I’m pretty much losing that “security”. Also, God is taking away all the things that I am good at which I use to prove my worth to Him, these are things that He has given to me as gifts but I have no desire to do any of that stuff right now, I just can’t bring myself to do any of it, I feel there is no grace for it at all. All I can do is just “be” with God and allow Him to love me. It’s not a punishment though, not like they have been taken away from me to teach me a lesson or something like that but He has taken away the things i find my identity in so I can actually find my identity in being His precious daughter. I don’t feel depressed, just uncomfortable as this is deep heart work that He is doing and I know that I will be completely transformed but am not really enjoying the process Even though I actually asked Him for this, all I desire is to have an intimate relationship with Him and He is giving me that but is also overwhelming me with His love.
All the things that He has taken away will be restored and in a most amazing way, because when I have that intimacy, i will be able to hear God’s voice and actually go out and do things WITH HIM which will be so fun. I guess I’m just having a transformation time right now and all I can do is depend on Him which is actually the right way to be, just not the way I am used to at all.

I feel like I have fallen into a very deep pool of God’s love and I am drowning. Like a drowning person, I am struggling against it with everything in me because it is alien to me as I have never let God love me unconditionally before and I am afraid. I feel like whatever I do, whether it is right or wrong, if I sin or if I’m good, God will continue to wash these waves of His love over me and I can’t escape. Because His love is not conditional on my behaviour. Part of me wants to run away and escape because I feel so dirty and unclean but He won’t let me because it is His desire to love me, and His desire to make me clean and to show me that His love washes me clean, not my actions or my behaviour. I can’t cleanse myself. God is telling me that I have to stop struggling against His love and just sink into it, because only when I am immersed fully in His love will I be able to live, even though I will have to die to my fear and wrong beliefs to get there. Sometimes, like now, I am so overwhelmed by this that I just sit and cry. Not because I am sad but because I am amazed. It is so unfair - this is not justice, it is mercy and I am finding it so hard to accept. God is removing the walls around my heart brick by brick, just like He promised He would and the process feels so painful but so sweet at the same time as each brick that is removed causes another wave to wash over me and show me yet again that He loves me. I am slowly being undone by God and led into a relationship with Him that I have been asking for for so long, I want to be intimate with God, to have Him be everything to me, to long for Him above all other things and He is creating that heart in me, not through my pain and sacrifice as I had prepared myself for but just by loving me and as I receive that love, I can do nothing but love Him back and as I receive His love more, my love grows more.

God at  the moment has been blasting me with the love of a father, not suprising given all the conferences we’ve been havin about it.  But one of the main things that suprised me is finding that when I spend time just soaking in his presence and love and giving him the freedom to heal me and do his work in my heart (something that i wasn’t particularly comfortable with at first) it builds such a relationship that goes beyond anything ive encountered before, it surpasses the doing and allows the being.  What I mean by this is just allowing the striving to cease and the father daughter relationship to blossom. 

This has completely changed my view of God and has opened up the whole issue of intimacy with God, a phrase which i’d shyed away from in the past but now i find that it is that what I desire. 

I may not be explaining whats gone on too well but here is an example from the conference we just had, that may explain it better.  When a coup[le have a child the reason for it is not so they can have an extra pair of hands around the house or help doing this, that or the other, In fact for a long while a child is more work, but the reason is that they simply love the child and one smile from the baby one look of joy when the baby recognises mam or dad, makes the parents heart glow more than anything else.  Thats how God see’s each and every one of us, and that is the realisation thats struck my heart.