I realised today, while I was praying at the HoP, that although I heard the teaching from John Sandford in 2006 on burden-bearing in intercession, hearing the teaching isn’t enough. You have to learn by experience. Unfortunately I’m quite a slow learner when it comes to these things and I regularly feel like i’m going crazy. My most common prayer to God, which He must be sick of hearing is, ‘what’s wrong with me?’.  I remember a time in the HoP right at the beginning of Fire School in October or November of 2006. It was a Friday evening prayer meeting and I was kneeling at the front quietly crying to God with such agony in my heart because I felt such hunger in my heart for Him to fill me, meet me, satisfy me. It felt like I never got enough, and that I walked around most days with an ache in my heart that never really went away. As I knelt there, The Holy Spirit clearly spoke to me. He said ‘this is no longer just the cry of your heart, but I’m putting in you the hunger of the church and the hunger of your nation.’  How easily I forget the words that God speaks to me! Really, its quite ridiculous.  For months now, I have felt like no matter how much I love God, my heart is moving further and further away. There are times when I come into His presence and He completely floods me with Himself. I feel at rest, and my striving after Him has come to an end. Then there are other times, and these have become more and more frequent, when I feel empty and utterly seperated from God, my heart like stone.  It seems like my cries fall on deaf ears. There’s a wall that I cant cross, and I feel hopeless and despairing.  I begin to search for hidden sin in my heart, look for something I might be doing wrong, and ask God the Question… ‘What’s wrong with me?’. It happened to me again today.  After an utterly amazing prayer meeting last night, where God met my heart, spoke to me, filled me, and did a miracle in my heart and mind, I turned up at the HoP today excited and ready to launch into an amazing time of intercession. Nothing. Hellooo? Anybody there? The familiar ache settled over my heart. The Question was uttered yet again. Then suddenly, God spoke. ‘Katie, honestly, why do you always think its about you? There’s nothing wrong with you. If you had some hidden sin, dont you think I would tell you, convict you? Your heart’s not hard. I just want you to pray what you feel because this is what the majority of your nation feels. Its a burden, silly.’  Oh yes, I remember.  Literally within two minutes of me praying on behalf of my nation out of what I felt, standing in the gap, the tears came. My heart felt soft and connected. There was passion and feeling in what I said to God instead of frustration and confusion.  I wish I would learn more quickly. 

I was reading a chapter of Arthur Wallace’s book he was talking about how when ISrael was in reproach that reproach fell on God too as they were his people. i’d never really thought about how when we are blessed it is for his glory, that when are lives are in ruins that reflects on God. I’d always found it hard to ask for things for myself but I realised that God gets glory when blessing falls on our lives.

JUst as God wanted the walls of Jerusalem to be rebuilt in the days of Nehemiah he wants the walls of the church to be rebuilt in our time. God wants to restore the church in this nation to reflect his glory, we are part of his church. God wants to rebuild the walls in my life, so that his Glory shines out.

Recently, we have been taught about the shepherd’s heart and how we need to have hearts that care for, love, accept and honour people. David was a man that had a shepherd’s heart. He was found tending his father’s sheep (1 Samuel 16 v 11, 1 Samuel 17 v 34-35). God saw David’s heart and anointed him king. Our hearts are important to God (1 Samuel 16 v 7).

Jesus was the perfect shepherd and he loved people. Jesus commanded us to love each other just as he loved us (John 15 v 12). So what does the love of a shepherd’s heart look like?

I believe 1 Corinthians 13 v 4-8a tells us. This is a well known passage so I’ll just say what I felt challenged about. In verse 7 it reads, “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserves.” In the heart of a shepherd there is a love that protects people, that covers them so they can rest. This love also hopes, it sees the best in someone. On this note I love what the amplified bible translates this as; “… is ever ready to believe the best of every person.”  There is also an endurance, persistance and patience in the heart of a shepherd towards people and situations. When I look at my heart and compare it to the heart of a shepherd there is much room for impovement. So, Lord I ask that you would give us a shepherd’s heart.

A question was asked; if God who is willing to give good gifts in abundance of which the greatest gift is the Holy Spirit, then why don’t we see the Holy Spirit given to us to the fullest measure? (Luke 11v11-13) Let me qualify that statement. We don’t see the Holy Spirit moving powerfully in this nation performing all kinds of wonders, signs and miracles, eg: healing a 3 year old boy for 26 major diseases and seeing eyes and feet formed, bones becoming alligned properly. Surely this is what we should be expecting.

The answer was given. The problem surely lies with us and not with God who is completely loving, perfect and unchanging. We need to change. There is a part of us that doesn’t want the Hoy Spirit or there is no place for Him to come in us.

God convicted me of the above. I saw a picture of myself in a corner. My head was in the corner so that only my back was exposed. The Holy Spirit was behind me wanting to have access but my face was turned against Him. He could only have access to my back. My heart had become hard again to God. I repented and asked God to smash open and break up my heart.

This is the scripture I felt to pray;

“I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you.” (Ezekiel 36 v 26b-27a)

I was praying today about the call of God, and about my nation, asking God for any details He might be willing to give me about what it is He wants me to do. He took me back again to the first 3 chapters of Ezekiel. This is the passage that God spoke to me from at the beginning of this Fire School year and has been in my heart ever since. I did my first blog of the year on it. I’ve been meditating on it, and praying from it on and off since October, but today God spoke to me quite specifically through it. This is what I wrote in my prayer diary as I prayed today:

 I’m reading chapter 1 of Ezekiel and am feeling God say to me that the vision Ezekiel had of God was the foundation upon which his call was built. It was not based upon the needs of his people or what he saw going on around him, but upon what he saw of God - the deep revelation and knowledge of Him. Ezekiel was called to his nation, but his nation wasn’t the one who called him. His nation actually rejected him.  I feel like God is saying to me that I need to know my call, but more than this, I need to know the One who calls me. This is very important. If I take up a call to my nation based on the need, then when my nation tells me it dosn’t need me or want me, I will give up. The people of Israel rejected the word that Ezekiel brought them from God and told him they didn’t need it, but Ezekiel faithfully continued coming to them with that message because he knew it was God who called him to do it.  I also feel God is saying to me that if your call or ministry is a response to a need that you see in man, then you will always be looking to man to motivate you and encourage you to keep going.  It will be that perceived need that sustains you.  But if your call or ministry is a response to what you see in God’s heart for your nation and your people then you will turn to God to motivate and sustain you.  His heart is unchanging and unfailing in love, so you will have a firm foundation and a true source of strength.

 The details He has given me so far today about what it is He wants me to do are the words of Ez 3:5-6,8: ‘I am not sending you to a foreign people whose language you cannot understand. No, I am not sending you to people with strange and difficult speech….But look, I have made you as obstinate and hard-hearted as they are. I have made your forehead as hard as the hardest rock! So dont be afraid of them or fear their angry looks, even though they are rebels’.