I feel like I am really in a process at the moment. All I can think about when I think about God is how I don’t know Him enough and how I want Him to be my all consuming heart’s desire and how my heart is so fickle towards God with regard to an actual relationship and how I don’t want to be that way, selfishly taking from Him but how I want to have that intimacy with Him, that mature relationship that gives something to God, not striving to be loved through works but to give Him love and worship, to love on God as well as have Him love on me.

In that way I guess I’m not moving on, I feel a bit like a record that has got stuck and keeps on going over and over the same groove but each time I feel like I’m going deeper into it, deeper into crying out to God to change my heart, deeper into an understanding of His Daddy God love and deeper into release. I spent the best part of 25 years building walls against God and believing lies about Him and how He feels about me so it is no surprise that it is taking a bit of time for me to get that solid foundation in Him and I’m not resenting that, I’m actually enjoying the process, enjoying knowing that God is giving me time to be loved by Him and not rushing me forward but taking me step by step, like you teach a toddler to walk.

I am learning that every day I am having to make that decision to ask God to make Himself the desire of my heart, it’s not something I can cause to happen, all I can do is position myself and ask Him to come. It’s humbling but good, to realise that I am in constant need of God. I don’t always make the right decision, sometimes I consciously choose to pull away from God and hide but what is changing is that I take less time to draw close to Him again and that I am, as I said, realising my desperate need for God.

We need the convicting supernatural power of God for true salvations. How many times have you seen someone make a committment to Christ but there is no lifestyle change? Or, how many times have you seen a friend acknowledge Jesus but after a few months they are no longer following Him? Why is that? Have they been persuaded by man’s words rather than convicted of the sins by the Holy Spirit? Are we guilty of persuasion?

Charles Finney knew the the convicting power of God. I heard that during his crusades he would make some people wait 3 nights or so before they gave their lives to Christ. They may have wanted to be saved the first night but Charles wanted to ensure they were completed convicted. Charles Finney stated “all men know they have sinned, but not all are convicted of the guilt and deserved punishment of sin ….. without this conviction the soul does not understand its need of mercy.” I believe approx 80% of Charles Finney’s converts remained walking with Christ. This is a high statistic. Maybe the above has something to do with it.

I was reading Psalm 32 and it hit me that this is what conviction is like …. ‘when I kept silent my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer’ (v3 & 4). Immediately after this repentance came ….. ‘then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD” - and you forgave the guilt of my sin’ (v5).

We need the heavy hand of God to come upon our services, to come into our workplace, to come to the streets, so that man is truely convicted and saved.

I was amazed this week at the awesomness and character of God, I found out scientific fact…… the reason we have solar eclipses even though the moon is way smaller than the sun is that although the sun is 500 times bigger than the moon it is exactly 500 times further away from earth so when we have a solar eclispe it fits exactly.  This blew my mind at how amazing God is as he put all these things in place so that as we discovered them they would all point to him.  And also that the same voice that spoke these things into being speaks to my heart, this blew me away. 

We were being taught by Pastor Lois and she talked a bit about the armour of God (Eph 6:10-20) and at first I was just listening to what was being said but then God started to speak to me about one particular verse, verse 13.  What God has been showing me is that, for things that are in the spirit there is a worldly imitation.  The spiritual armor that we need to where will keep us standing firm it will keep our hearts protected (the breastplate of righteousness) but what god showed me is that when I dont have the armour on I try and protect myself and that results in me hardening my own heart to try an protect it, but if Instead I have the armor of God then at the end of the battle i will be standing firm in Him and thats what i want, so Im lerning to stand by faith not by my own strenth.