At the beginning of the conference last weekend God was really showing me where my heart is right now, and has been for the last 5 years. I came to see that in my first few months of being saved, God completely and utterly ruined me for His Presence. I had a depth in Him and such intimate relationship with His Spirit, such passion in my heart and longing to be with Him all the time. I would spend hours each day just weeping in His Presence while He ministered to my heart, and I worshiped Him. My secret place was the best place on earth, and there was nothing that had any power to draw me away from Him. After a year or so, I felt God’s Spirit withdraw as He led me into a time of wilderness, but from that time on there has been a terrible void in my heart. He has been showing me that just as those who dont know God at all try to fill their emptiness with work, activities, alcohol, relationships etc, I have been trying to fill this void that has been left in me with Christian books, sermons, teachings, and Fireschool. None of this satisfies, and now and then I get to a point where I desperately cry out to God to meet with me again like He used to. Even conferences dont fill the void, and neither do manifestations, or touches from God. Only a deep intimacy with my God can satisfy my heart again. I have been ruined and it dosn’t feel nice. It dosn’t feel good. Charles Finney talks about ‘innocent amusements’ in his book, and although I didn’t really understand his theology, i got the heart of what he was saying, which is that when we love God with all our heart, soul and strength, then dvd’s, parties, shopping and other worldy entertainments have no pull on our hearts and hold no pleasure for us. I used to be like that. Thankfully, God spent the rest of the conference showing me that I can be like that again. 1 Jn 2:15 holds the key - ‘Do not love the world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you’.

Well one thing I’ve noticed since the confrence, where God really impacted me, is the general decline in my “proper” behaviour.  What I mean by that is the things i mostly did to show God that I had changed and that I was a different person.  I was up till this point very focused on doing the things i was meant to be doing, (none of which were bad things at all,and most of which i will continue to do) but God has changed something in my heart so I’m no longer a person focused on doing stuff for the sake of it but doing it out of sonship and love, instead of duty. 

God has really shown me the difference between being a servant (someone who does) and being a son/daughter (someone who is).  1John 4:18 says “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows we have not fully experienced his pefect love.” In that place of sonship there is no fear, after all you can sack a servant but you can’t sack a son!

I have truly been blessed by God this past week.  We have just been ministered to by John & Carol Arnott and Duncan Smith these last few days.  I cannot put my finger on a specific time when it happened but I feel so different! I am now more aware of my heavenly Dad watching me rather than others. This sounds quite small but is an increddible relief and a joy! I now have so much more freedom in playing music to the LORD and it is so much fun and often hilarious! Ah dear what a laugh JM

I’ve been really challenged by the Grace and Glory conference and by John 4 to really seek intimacy and close fellowship with the Lord. After the samaritan woman in John 4 had heard Jesus say He had the water of life to satisfy her every need verse 28 tells us she left her water jar and ran off to tell everyone about Jesus! Wow, the very thing she went to do to satisfy her thirst was in a split second the least imoportant thing in the world! Don’t need water, she thought, just need Jesus! How much worldly water am i drinking, satisfying the desires of my heart with other things, other thoughts . . . even religious feel better exercises! Jesus Jesus JESUS! He is all I need!

Then the disciples come back with food n stuff and Jesus says thanks anyway, I’m already satisfied by doing the will of the Father! Wow, a step further. . . i really want to be like Jesus, doing the things I was created to do and being extremely satisfied doing them.

I’m both encouraged and challenged to really MEET with Jesus and hear the will of the Father for me. . . . . Romans 12:1-2

a week or two ago Pastor tim was encouraging us in the Durham Student service to listen to God. . . . so that I did. One night in the HOP I asked the Holy Spirit to speak to me and He did very clearly. He spoke to me about the House of Prayer, that it is like the rod of Moses, a tool in the hands of the pastors and the church to stretch out, to use and perform the signs, wonders and miracles of God that cannot be mimicked or immitated. Moses rod was used to bring freedom to the nation of Israel against all odds or logic; again and again Moses stretched out his rod, and signs and wonders happened in Egypt declaring the power and love of God for His people, and just when they thought it was all over at the red sea again God said to Moses stretch out your rod and the total completion of Israel’s freedom was won! The Lord will use the House of Prayer for all nations to perform His power on the earth and yet the power for the complete working of His wondeful plans for the nations will yet be found in this place of prayer! 

The rod was also used to sustain the nation of Israel in their freedom, . . . sometimes our human nature can push and pray and seek God’s face and persevere in the time of famine, need or desperation and after God has so graciously answered and delivered us we aren’t quite so hungry for Him! I know I’m guilty of this . .  hit and run you might call it, . . . should be more like run and flop! I need a continual place of sustained intimacy with the Father and connection with His Spirit in this House of Prayer to run and run, to mount up on wings like eagles to walk and not faint!

Lord, pls increase the hunger and fire in my heart!

Ste